Growing Up

Having just celebrated my 25th birthday I have come to realize that years are not associated with wisdom; that growing up is not necessarily something that just happens with age. I think that there are certain events in one's life which can be forever altering and in turn forces one to "grow up", but recently I have a new philosophy about growing up. To grow up, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. There are plenty of "adults" walking around out there with the maturity of teenagers, and as long as they are content with that, then that is fine, for them. However, if you long to be independent and truly know yourself and understand yourself, then growing up is the task at hand.

I remember how exciting it felt to be 14 and starting high school. I remember how scary it felt to be 18 and leaving home for college. I remember how fun it was to be 21 and finally be able to do just about ANYTHING I wanted. I remember how wonderful it was to be 22 and graduating from college. I had my whole life planned out...down to the white picket fence and Chase and Madison. It was all laid out for me and it was just a matter of time. I felt like I had finally gotten a ticket on the moving conveyor belt of life and that as long as I didn't make a drastic move, I'd be moving along just fine. Well, drastic or not, I moved. I moved straight across the country...as far away from the laid out plan as possible.

The last two years have been a blur of life. It's been surreal almost at times. It has been the most painful time of my life...yet now sitting and looking back there were so many wonderful things that happened to me...how could it have been so awful? I was fighting against my own need to grow up. It was finally time to grow up a bit and I kicked and screamed against it...like a small child who doesn't want to leave the toy store empty handed.

A month ago I succumbed to the need to grow up a bit and let go. I let go of everything and everyone...tossed it all to the wind and hoped for the best. Someone dear to me always says "I wish I were a little kid again...life was so easy then and I was always happy". I always used to laugh at this statement as it seemed so foolish to me. I still don't think I want to return to my days of playing witches with Julie out by the water pump, but there is something to be said for the innocence of childhood.

The last week or so I have grown up quite a bit. I have learned a lot and gained clarity about certain issues which have been looming over me like a foggy doom for all too long. I am sad and I am disappointed...but I am at peace and moving onwards. I still have quite a bit of growing up to do and all in good time, but for now I am okay with just being 25.